


in another life (you would be my girl)

by Phoebmonster



Category: DC's Legends of Tomorrow (TV)
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, F/F, Nightmares, Temporary Character Death, Vomiting, alternative reality sad ava, it's not an unhappy ending dw, some potential trigger warnings:
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-11
Updated: 2018-12-11
Packaged: 2019-09-16 11:39:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,077
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16953312
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Phoebmonster/pseuds/Phoebmonster
Summary: following the events of 4x08, Ava starts remembering some parts of the alternative timeline.(aka a very angsty look at what led to the ava we saw in this episode)





	in another life (you would be my girl)

**Author's Note:**

> 4x08 ends and you think wow. what a funny episode. i liked it a lot. i wonder if there is any fanfic inspired by the episode, likely just as funny and lighthearted. you think this is that? no. you think i pulled thirty seconds of super sad emo ava and turned it into 3,000 ish words of pure angst ?? you would be right. this is T for being,, really sad. just fyi kids
> 
> (potential trigger warnings in the tags, please let me know if you think i should add any others)

Ava was in her office, staring at the computer screen but not taking anything in, a soft smile on her face. Sara had agreed to move in with her that morning - they were really, truly going to live together, and Ava had started making tentative lists in her mind, of everything they were going to do - making cookies together, Ava bringing Sara breakfast in bed, curling up on the couch and watching netflix - she was brought from her increasingly sappy thoughts by her phone ringing.

She grinned when she saw it was 'The Waverider' and pressed the answer button.

"Hey, Sara -"

"Ah - no." The voice on the end of the phone was Ray, but he sounded strange - strangled, almost. Ava raised an eyebrow.

"Oh. Hey, Ray. What's up?"

"You need to come to the Waverider now. It's Sara - she's been -"

Ava was up and through a portal before he'd even finished the sentence. The Legends were all outside the med bay, ashen faced, and she pushed past them to get inside.

Sara was laying on the chair, a huge sucking wound marring most of her chest, like someone had tried to gouge out her insides. She was pale, so unnaturally pale, and when Ava reached her side and grabbed her hand, she felt so cold. She blinked her eyes open and gave Ava a tired smile.

"Hey, baby."

"Sara, what -" Ava's breath hitched, and tears were suddenly falling down her cheeks. Sara smiled, small and sad.

"I got unicorned." She whispered. "It really hurts."

"Gideon?" She asked desperately. 

"I'm sorry, Director Sharpe - her wounds, they're too severe. I can't help anymore."

"There must be something you can do -" 

"I'm sorry, Ava." The AI said quietly.

"Aves, it really hurts." Sara whimpered and Ava's heart broke. She pushed Sara's hair back from her forehead and pressed a gently kiss there.

"I know, baby. You're being so brave for me." She murmured, lacing their fingers together. "I love you, Sara Lance. So, so much." Her voice broke a little at the end, but she smiled, and Sara smiled back.

"Love you too, Aves." She said drowsily, eyes blinking shut. "So much. M'tired though."

"It's okay, my love, it's okay. I'm here." Ava whispered.

The monitors went haywire, Sara went limp, and Ava's world was in pieces.

She sat up, gasping, hands grasping at the sheets. A shape moved in the darkness and Sara was there, wiping the tears away, pressing the palm of her hand into her chest, pulling her from the dream and back to reality. 

"Hey, hey, Aves, it's okay, I'm here, I've got you." Sara murmured, running her hands through Ava's hair, moving to sit in front of her, but Ava pulled her girlfriend into her lap and sobbed into her chest. 

It took her a while to calm down and come back to herself. When she did, she noticed Sara was rubbing her back and pressing gentle kisses to the top of her head. 

She looked up and saw there were tears in Sara's eyes too. "Hey, baby. You back?"

Ava nodded and sniffed loudly, running her hands over her face. As she pulled back, she noticed the damp patch on Sara's pyjama shirt - actually her shirt, Sara had permanently borrowed a few. They were now kept in a separate drawer, along with some of Sara's day clothes and a few knives. Ava had made her promise not to leave knives around the house, and she'd stuck to that rule. She smiled, just a little, when she remembered that. Sara pushed a few strands of hair from her eyes and tucked them away.

"You're back?" 

Ava nodded.

"Bad dream?" Sara said quietly, and Ava nodded again.

"I'm sorry, baby. You wanna talk about it?"

Ava shook her head and finally found her voice. "No, no - I'm okay. Sorry. It was just ... intense. I'm okay."

Sara didn't look convinced but shuffled off Ava's lap so they could lay down again, shifting so Sara was tucked into Ava's side, forehead pressed against her shoulder.

"You know you can tell me anything, right baby?" She whispered, taking Ava's hand in her own.

"Yeah, of course." Ava murmured, feeling sick. She hated lying.

///

Everything felt numb.

She was stood, in the black dress she kept in the back of the wardrobe for funerals - if an agent was killed, she always went to the funeral. She made a point of it. Her black heels were sinking slightly in the damp grass. Of course Sara would die in the autumn, so it was grey and overcast.

They were in Star City. She buried next to her father and sister. 

The funeral had all been a blur - Ava had felt like she was just being pushed from place to place, with everyone being so kind and not talking about anything. She'd met Oliver again, she'd met him briefly when Quentin had died, but it was different now. The whole world was different now.

Everyone had left to have some drinks on the Waverider, a memorial of sorts, and the Legends had gently pushed Ava to go with them, but she'd refused. Everything about that place was too much. Even her own bed felt too much, so she'd starting sleeping on the couch. She spent most of the day on the couch. Hank had insisted she take off as much time as she needed, but Ava protested - no time would ever be long enough to get over this.

She was due to go back to work tomorrow - back to being Director Sharpe, back to whatever she was programmed for. 

The sky darkened around her as she stood in front of Sara's grave, the grey stone and indented lettering conveying a permanence she couldn't bear.

This time she didn't wake with tears, but a silent start. The world came back in bits - she was in her apartment, it was dark outside, and Sara was laying half on top of her, snoring a little. Ava's arm was around her waist, and she focused on how solid and real she felt.

It took her a long time to fall asleep again, because she couldn't help but think the dream felt just as real.

///

Gary and Mona had organised it, in some attempt to remember Sara or maybe just show Ava they cared. A plaque - a memorial of sorts, on a little table, surrounded by two Time Bureau flags. A framed photo of Sara with the caption 'Beloved Captain, Hero and Warrior. Struck down by a Unicorn.' Ava had almost laughed when she first saw it. 'Struck down by a Unicorn'? Is that how Sara would be remembered? With a death so stupid? She thought about getting it changed, but the rest of the caption was true. She was a captain, and a hero, and a warrior, and so beloved it made Ava's head spin. 

Her team loved her, and their grief had sent them into a downward spiral, renaming themselves the 'Custodians of the Chronology' and going on a rampage against magical creatures. Hank had pleaded with them to stop, but Mick was already anti - authority, Nate was desperate for some late stage teenage rebellion, and Ray had stopped caring, so it was useless. Ava didn't exactly care either. No amount of murder would bring Sara back, but it gave her a sick sense of satisfaction every time another creature got taken down. She still imprisoned the ones the Bureau brought back though. Those were the rules, and she stuck to them rigidly.

They'd even picked up John Constantine a few days ago, incoherent and rambling to himself. Ava had shut him in a cell, more for his own good than anything. It felt strange, not even being jealous of him anymore. It wasn't like she couldn't have Sara and he could. He was so out of it she didn't even know how to tell him Sara was dead. Ava was almost glad of that, because if he had been aware, she would've begged him to bring Sara back, not caring what she broke in order to do so. Time wasn't worth anything without Sara in it.

She saw the plaque every time she went into work. Sara Lance, struck down by a Unicorn.

Ava sat up. She'd fallen asleep on the couch, watching a film, her head on Sara's lap.

"Finally, sleepyhead. Do you wanna order pizza?" Sara teased, and Ava just moved to kiss her, trying to get lost in the feeling of it. It wasn't enough.

///

It wasn't Sara's fault she'd died when Ava was still working through a lot of clone stuff. It also wasn't Sara's fault that she was a large part of what kept Ava sane about the whole thing, always reminding her how unique and special she was, and how much she loved her.

But now there was no one to love Ava, and she felt herself sliding back into all her old worries. It seemed selfish, almost, to be crying over being a clone when she should be crying over the love of her life who was so far away and six feet underground, and Ava hated herself for doing it.

She stood in the bathroom, examining the box carefully. Dyeing her hair so people would notice if she was suddenly replaced was a rather crude way to allay that fear, but Ava was tired, and this was all she could think of.

"I don't see why you're doing this. I like you blonde." 

Sara's voice didn't startle her, and she looked over to see her casually leaning in the doorway, dressed in black jeans and a black sleeveless shirt. 

"You don't get to make this decision." Ava pointed out, pulling a towel around her neck and pulling the little plastic gloves on.

"Don't I get a say?" Sara said, gently teasing. Ava sighed.

"You're not real. Not - real people don't get a say."

Sara had started appearing just after the funeral in funny places - sitting at the kitchen table, on the chair in Ava's office. Always making funny comments that made Ava laugh when she shouldn't, or just gently teasing. She never came too close though. Not close enough for Ava to believe she might be real. Ava figured she was some kind of grief - induced hallucination, and knew she should probably see someone about it, but it seemed futile. She'd just decided to learn to live with it. 

Sara sighed and straightened up. 

"Fine, do whatever. As long as you leave it out of that bun."

She walked off, and Ava turned back to the box. Twenty minutes later, she looked back in the mirror, to see dark tendrils framing her face. She didn't recognise herself, and for that she was grateful.

Ava woke when her stomach lurched, and she shifted Sara off her chest, only just making it to the bathroom before she threw up. The acid stung her throat and she squeezed her eyes tight shut, trying desperately not to cry. She heaved again, but this time Sara was there, pulling back her hair and rubbing her back. After a few hiccups, Ava sat back, looking up at Sara.

"Poor baby. I told you getting that kebab in the 1980's was a bad idea."

Ava just nodded. Sara helped her to her feet, and Ava held onto the sink.

"I'm just gonna clean my teeth. Go back to bed." She said quietly, and Sara nodded, standing on her tiptoes to press a kiss to her cheek.

Ava brushed her teeth and stared at herself in the mirror, tired eyes staring back. 

///

It was the suits, next. Ava didn't know what was wrong with her. Everyone told her grief needed time, but time was just making everything worse. Ghost - Sara still hadn't left. Her apartment was a mess; she still slept on the couch. Hank was gradually delegating her responsibilities to other agents because she clearly wasn't coping. Ava didn't know what to do, flipping between wanting to quit the Bureau and maybe live in some other place or time, somewhere that couldn't remind her of Sara, and wanting desperately to keep her job so that she could hold onto the tiny sliver of normality she had left.

The suits just reminded her of that indecision. She sat on her bed, staring at her wardrobe, at the four identical suit jackets and trousers and the ten blouses, neatly ironed and put in their proper place. Also hung up were some of her nice dresses and a few casual shirts, ones that Sara had loved to pull down and wear over her underwear when she stayed the night at Ava’s, so she could make breakfast in them. On the shelves below were a few t shirts, neatly folded, and a few pairs of jeans. Underneath that were a few boxes.

The Legends had boxed up Sara's stuff and delivered it to her, and she hadn't known what to do with it. It was mostly clothes, one with a few books and mementos from her family. Ava hadn't touched them since the night she'd got them. The only think of Sara's she had out was her whiskey, which she took a swing of, feeling it burn as it went down.

She looked at the suits and drank the whiskey. 

"Y'know, we met when you were wearing that suit." Sara was next to her, pointing to the third one. Ava just shrugged. "Actually, the first time I saw you out of a suit was our first date."

"I know." Ava mumbled. 

"I think you should keep them." 

"I don't need you to help me decide."

"Aves, I think you _do_ need me -"

"Then come back to me." Ava spat, suddenly angry. "Fucking come back to me, because doing this alone is hell. It's fucking awful."

She turned, and Sara was gone.

That night, she didn't sleep, just cried, drank whiskey and set fire to all of her suits, using a bin on her tiny porch area. When she arrived at the Bureau the next morning, face pale and in a Time Bureau hoodie, no one had questioned her.

That time, Ava shot awake, heart beating so fast it felt like she might die. Her bed was empty and cold and she wasn't thinking, she just stumbled up, grabbing her courier and opening a portal. The bridge was empty, but she saw a blonde ponytail bobbing up through the window of the office. She stood in front of the entrance, breathing only picking up when she saw Sara leaning against the desk, sipping from a glass of whiskey, lost in though. 

"Sara?" She whispered, voice breaking. 

"Aves? Are you okay?" She asked, clearly worried, and Ava just shook her head, surging forward. If this wasn't real - her hands connected with Sara's arms and she fell into them, burying her head in Sara's shoulder, sobbing with relief. 

"Oh, baby, what happened? Are you hurt?" Sara asked, trying to move backwards to look at her, but Ava wouldn't relinquish her hold. Sara's solid presence was the only thing grounding her in reality, and she needed it desperately. Some part of Sara understood this, and she let Ava hold her, hands splayed across her back. "Another bad dream?" She said quietly, after a little while. 

Ava pulled back, not letting go of her arms, and nodded. "Sorry, I should -"

She turned to leave, but Sara held her there. "No, baby, not this time. You haven't slept properly all week, I'm worried." She reached up to tuck some loose hair behind her ears. "Please, Ava, talk to me."

They sat down on the couch in the office. Ava opened her mouth a couple of times, unsure where to start. I think I'm going crazy, she wanted to say. I think I've finally lost it. I can't tell what’s real or not anymore. She looked up, Sara's eyes such a familiar blue it made her feel a little braver. She took a deep breath. "I don't think you'll believe me."

"Try me." She said, smiling gently.

Ava opened her mouth and it all came pouring out, the whole story - how she'd dreamt about Sara being killed by the unicorn and the Legends going haywire and dyeing her hair and burning her clothes and John losing his mind. When she finished, she raised her eyebrows. "Why does it look like you already know all this?"

Sara blushed and ducked her head. "That's because - it - ah - may be true."

"What?" Ava said, eyes wide, and Sara hastily backtracked. 

"Not - no, I'm definitely alive. This is reality. It's just - John may have broken time, just a little." She had the decency to look sheepish, as Ava's expression morphed from confusion to anger. "He did it to save his boyfriend from being sent to hell. And - I know it's wrong, but he did it, and in the timeline he created -"

"You died." Ava said quietly.

"Yeah. He wasn't there to send the unicorn from Woodstock to hell, so it killed me."

"That's what I've been dreaming then? The alternative timeline?" It made sense, in the way that anything in her life made sense. Sara nodded.

"Yeah, I guess."

"He definitely put it right though?”

"Yeah, with Charlie and Zari. There were a few missteps along the way -" She didn't react to Ava's raised eyebrows, "- but they got it right. Everything's back to normal now."

"Why didn't you tell me?" Ava asked, hand moving to cup Sara's cheek. Sara looked up at her, biting her lip.

"I didn't want John to go to prison." She said quietly. "He just wanted to save the life of someone he loved, and I know he's learnt his lesson. I didn't tell you because I didn't want you to have to pick between me and doing your job."

Ava sighed. She knew she should be angrier about this, but it was late, and she was so very tired. She leant forward to kiss Sara, smiling when she heard Sara's muffled little squeak of surprise.

She pulled back. "I love you. That's more important than anything." Ava said quietly, and Sara smiled, eyes crinkling at the corners.

After an hour or so of gentle persuading, Ava finally fell asleep in Sara’s arms, to dream out the rest of that reality. When she awoke, Sara kissed the tears from her cheeks and promised she would never, ever leave her, in this reality or any other.

**Author's Note:**

> kudos and comments always welcome! alternatively come yell abt Legends with me on my tumblr, theangelwaverly
> 
> (sorry again for the sadness kids)


End file.
